In family law, co-parenting relationships can be tricky to navigate under any circumstances, but it can be particularly complicated if you disagree about co-parenting a transgender or gender expansive child in Arizona.
As a family law attorney, I see how these sensitive situations arise and impact families, and how disagreements between parents about a child’s care can negatively affect a child’s well-being.
Below, we’ll explore some of the most common conflicts that may emerge between parents and discuss ways to approach these issues in the best interests of your transgender or gender expansive child.
Common Conflicts
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Conflicts over Name and Pronoun Use
One of the most immediate conflicts that can arise is around the child’s name and pronouns. If a child expresses a desire to go by a name or pronouns that align with their gender identity, one parent may be supportive, while the other may resist or refuse.
Studies recognize that a child’s well-being is supported by using their affirmed or chosen name and pronouns, as it can positively affect mental health and self-esteem. Family therapy can be a useful tool to help both parents understand the child’s experience and the importance of appropriate mental health support. Open, respectful conversations in co-parenting sessions, guided by a therapist, can be helpful to educate parents of the research in support of affirming households.
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Conflict Over Social Transition and School Support
Social transition, such as dressing in a way that aligns with the child’s gender identity, major haircuts, nail polish, or ear piercings often brings disagreement in co-parenting. Parents may also disagree about the school’s expected use of the child’s name, pronouns, and access to a bathroom that aligns with the child’s gender identity.
Co-parents may find it helpful to develop a clear plan specifying expectations for how the child’s gender identity will be respected in both households and educational settings.
Parents should know that many schools are subject to laws that protect transgender students, including using the child’s affirmed or chosen name and pronouns.
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Disputes on Extracurricular Activities and Social Engagements
Extracurricular activities and social events for children are often points of dispute between parents of transgender and gender expansive youth, like a parent encouraging the child to participate in activities aligned with their gender identity, such as joining a gender-specific sports team or attending gender-diverse support groups.
Courts typically favor arrangements that foster the child’s self-confidence and well-being, including involvement in supportive extracurricular activities. For parents who disagree on these issues, a family counselor or mediator can help by focusing discussions on what makes the child feel accepted and fulfilled.
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Disagreements About Medical or Psychological Support
If your child is experiencing symptoms of gender dysphoria, they may benefit from support from mental health professionals, and, in some cases, medical providers who specialize in gender-affirming care. Parents may disagree about whether to pursue therapy or medical support, which could mean differing views on mental health support, and disputes over hormone blockers or other medical interventions prescribed by the child’s medical professionals.
In cases where parents cannot agree, courts may consider expert opinions on the child’s best interests. The family courts may also require evaluations from licensed therapists specializing in gender identity to determine the child’s specific needs.
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Miscommunication and Lack of Consistency Between Households
One of the most difficult aspects of co-parenting a transgender child when parents disagree about gender identity is maintaining consistency. Conflicting messages between households can be incredibly confusing and distressing for the child. When one parent validates the child’s identity and the other doesn’t, the child may feel they must act differently with each parent, leading to increased anxiety and emotional distress.
Maintaining consistency is critical for the child’s sense of security. Parents should prioritize open communication, potentially with the guidance of a therapist or mediator, to establish ground rules. While disagreements may persist, agreeing on certain standards, like using chosen names and pronouns or supporting the child’s gender expression, can significantly improve the child’s well-being.
Final Thoughts
Overall, mediation, therapy, and a child-centered approach to co-parenting discussions are possible steps to help craft a parenting plan specialized to meet the needs of your gender expansive child, and to establish a stable, supportive environment for your child.
If you’re facing challenges with co-parenting around gender identity or have questions about your legal options as a parent of a gender expansive child, Hernandez Family Law is here to provide support and guidance every step of the way.
-Blake Holliday (they/them or he/him pronouns)