Breaking Into Love After Breaking Up: Dating After Divorce
Episode 10
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Disclaimer: The materials and content within this podcast are intended as general information only and are not to be considered a substitute for professional legal advice or a consultation with a lawyer.
1. Family Law Tip of the Week (1:00)
In Arizona, the Model Parenting Time Plans give lots of ideas to separated parents who are trying to come up with solutions for sharing time with their children. Among the things you should be thinking about when deciding what plan is best are the ages of the children, the maturity levels of the children, whether the children are in school, distance between the parents’ homes and more. Keep in mind though, you aren’t limited by the Model Parenting Time Plans. You can be as creative as you want, as long as you are acting in the best interests of the kids.
2. Breaking Into Love After Breaking Up (1:59)
Wendy starts by telling Joann why she wanted to talk about dating after divorce. Specifically, Wendy thought it would be nice to talk about breaking into love (as opposed to breaking up).
How Dating Has Changed in the Last Decade
(3:20) The dating arena has changed a lot in the last decade. Online dating is much more accepted than it used to be. According to a recent survey, 1 out of every 3 marriages is the result of people meeting online. (3:57) Because of social media, there is a lot more information out there for people wanting to check potential partners out. Furthermore, for ladies, dating a younger man is not the big taboo it was 10 years ago. Finally, because of online dating, the volume of dating is higher.
(4:30) Internet dating is very effective for certain people. For others…not so much. These people think they can find the “perfect person” online. Some people are “serial daters” because they are looking for the perfect person. That can make dating tougher.
(5:23) Joann feels that sometimes when people come to her as a matchmaker, it’s because they’ve gotten burned out on online dating. She also gets people as a dating coach who haven’t done online dating or who haven’t done it well. Online dating is an effective tool for people.
(6:17) Joann has been in business as a dating coach since 2008. She added matchmaking almost 2 years ago.
(7:19) Today, people have to accept that there are new rules in dating. One of the things is with all the information on the internet, others can find out a lot of information about you. You can find out addresses, divorce records, etc. It is challenging for people to play it safe and have some sort of confidentiality. In addition, now, there is a lot more serial monogamy. As a result, relationships are longer, but people don’t “seal the deal.”
Things You Need to Be Careful About
(8:38) Because of this, Joann thinks it is really important for people to be clear with one another about what their intentions are. Does the other person have the same goals?
(8:59) Another thing Joann thinks people have to be careful about is the number of married people out there dating (cheating). Wendy chimes in and talks about a past podcast with relationship expert Charles Orlando on “The Real Reasons Men and Women Cheat.”
(9:45) Wendy asks Joann whether the lack of confidentiality in today’s society is a good thing. Maybe this allows people to make sure potential partners aren’t married, etc. Joann thinks the lack of confidentiality can be unsafe in some ways. The other thing is that people can research and may get an impression of someone that is not accurate.
(10:48) Joann gives an example of one of her clients who is in the nightclub business. Despite this, he is not a “nightclub” person. His potential matches always have this impression of him that is not real.
(11:25) Sometimes people put things up on Facebook or on the internet when they are in a certain type of mood, but that is not who they really are. People have to be careful of doing that. Good rule of thumb: if you’re not sure about something, don’t post it.
(12:22) It is OK to date for fun. If you want a healthy, stable relationship, communication is key. While you might not want to have the discussion on the 6th date (which some people do), at some point, you really want find out the other person’s relationship goals.
Special “Concerns” for Divorced Individuals
(12:55) For people dating after divorce, one of the biggest questions that comes up is “Are you relationship material?” The other big question is “Are you ready for a relationship?” You want to have good answers, especially if you’ve been married a few times.
(13:41) For divorced people with children, they have to be careful that they don’t bring out their pictures of their children on the first date. Someone is dating you to have a relationship with YOU. Identify yourself as a person first, then as a mother or father.
(14:07) The other challenge is timing: WHEN do you introduce the other person to your children? Joann tells people to make that decision BEFORE they start dating. This helps someone determine when something is not too much or too little, too late.
(15:09) From Wendy’s perspective, the key thing to consider in deciding whether/when to introduce the new partner to the kids is to evaluate whether that person is long term relationship material.
(16:01) For someone who is afraid to date because they have been burned, Joann says “take the stress off” and go enjoy life. You have to be able to live life as a single person and be comfortable with yourself. A person who is abundant and enjoying life will attract the right people. This is the time in your life to go out and do the things you want to do. Enjoy the opposite sex in the context of friendship.
Where You Can Find People to Date
(18:18) Wendy asks Joann where people can go to find others to date. Joann thinks there are tons of places. Open your eyes and look around you. The grocery store. The library. The bookstore. If you’re a good flirt (a skill which Joann teaches), you can meet someone. Do the volunteer project. Take the dog for a walk. Take the class you want to take. Say “yes” to every social event that you get invited to. Say “yes” to every blind date.
Dating Pitfalls
(20:08) Don’t get picky. Sometimes people have a big list of who they want their partner to be. People get caught up in the “wrapping.” That is not going to get you the person you want. The “list” can keep people single.
(21:15) With online dating and the number of dates you can have, people get caught up in the number of dates and don’t get to know the other person. People sometimes have a list in their head, and they are checking off things without learning about the other individual.
(22:05) People also mistake sexual chemistry for compatibility. Sexual chemistry doesn’t mean a relationship will last. Sexual chemistry can increase over time. There are studies that show this.
(23:07) If a person goes on a mediocre first date, Joann encourages that person to go on a second date (as long as there are no dealbreakers there). What do you have to lose? You are just getting to know someone, you aren’t committing to marrying that person.
(24:24) Wendy asks Joann if having a partner who has been divorced should be a deal-breaker for a never-married person. Joann says that people who are over 40 and have never been married are viewed with more suspicion than divorced individuals.
(25:15) The upside to a dating after divorce is that maybe after divorce, individuals have done work on themselves and grown. This can benefit the future partner.
How Do I Approach Someone Who Interests Me?
(26:00) Joann has great ideas for letting a guy know you are interested. A good flirt can bring someone over. Look over at the guy a few times and smile. If that doesn’t bring him over, just go up to him. You can say anything! Joann believes everyone should be pursuing each other. There is a difference between being desperate and giving yourself lots of options.
(27:38) Today you have the freedom to meet as many men and women as you can to make the best choice for yourself. Don’t limit yourself. Open up your options.
(28:11) For the guys not wanting to come off too strong – introducing yourself is not coming off too strong. If a woman says “I have a boyfriend,” then you leave. Get over it. Just have a conversation. Men…you just have to do it.
(29:11) Just get over the fear. Joann actually takes women out into the field to have fun approaching men. It is fun. When people don’t flirt, they are limiting themselves.
(29:55) Joann can help people in the art of dating. She has lots of self-help blogs on dating on her website – joanncohen.com. She is also a matchmaker and does dating makeovers.
3. Thoughts From the Life Coach (30:55)
Today, James has 3 requests:
Do the best you can.
Do the best with where you are.
Do the best with what you have.
Look within yourself to answer whether you have done these things. If the answer is “yes,” let your worries and guilt go!