What to Do When You Get Caught Lying
We are human, so there is something we MUST admit, even if it is just inside of our own little heads: 99.9% of us are liars.
For that .1% who doesn’t think they ever lie, I think they are liars, too. They say they are doing “fine” when they actually aren’t.
They don’t speak up when they really want to. They “finesse” the truth to keep the peace. They are afraid to show the world who they really are, so they don’t.
Lies.
As for the rest of us (who are aware we lie), most of our lies are probably just little white lies. The “harmless” kind. At least this is what we tell ourselves so we can feel better about the lying.
What to do when you get caught lying?
The lies are about things like already having plans when a friend needs help moving. Or lies to our spouses about how much we actually spent at the Macy’s One Day Sale. Lies about calling in sick when we’re really taking a three day weekend to Vegas. Or a lie to our Mother that work has been so busy we haven’t been able to call her in days.
Then there are the bigger types of lies. The kind that really could change someone’s life forever.
Lies to a significant other that the man we are sending hundreds of texts to per month is just a “friend.” Lies to ourselves that we are OK to drive after drinking when we really aren’t. Lies to lawyers. Lies to judges. Lies to the world that we “did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
We might get caught. We might not.
If we DO get caught lying, in some cases, if we handle things right, we might be able to save the situation. And ourselves. And our lives.
If we DO get caught lying (on one of the BIG types of lies), but we DON’T handle the situation right, we might lose some of the most important things in our lives. Relationships. Freedom. Our families.
So…what should we do if we get caught lying? How can we minimize the damage? WHY should we try to minimize the damage? And…what makes ME an authority on what someone should do if they get caught lying?
Let’s tackle the last one first. I am an expert on lying for three reasons. One–because I have done it in the past. Two–because I still do it on occasion (something I’m not proud to admit). And three–because of my work as a Phoenix divorce lawyer, I have seen the same gory scenes replay over and over when someone has gotten caught (on one of the BIG lies) in their relationships, to their lawyers and in court.
Unfortunately, I have seen more bloody outcomes than usual over the last six months coming in the form of case decisions. From what I can see, these days, judges are getting super-PO’d when they believe someone has told a BIG lie in a case. After reading, re-reading and reflecting on the case decisions, though, I believe the thing that really, really, REALLY upsets a judge is when someone won’t admit to having lied, won’t accept any responsibility for having lied and/or continues to try to convince everyone that s/he isn’t lying (even after being caught).
These decisions haven’t been pretty. Putting myself in the place of a judge (who believes someone is lying), however, the decisions makes sense:
How would you feel if you thought someone had lied to you and you believed you had caught them? How would you feel if that person wouldn’t admit any wrongdoing? And, how would you feel if that person continued to try to convince you s/he wasn’t lying even if there was proof that s/he was?
You would feel offended. Insulted. And as though the other person thought you to be a fool.
On top of all this, if the other person were essentially asking you to do them a “favor,” would you be inclined to say “yes” after you believed you had just caught them lying?
I think not.
We aren’t doomed to hell because we lie. We only lie because we are afraid. We are afraid the consequence of telling the truth will be worse than the act of lying. Then, we lie, and we gamble on the fact that we won’t get caught.
In some circumstances, lying might be the merciful thing to do. It might be the right thing to do. Lying might spare you abuse, punishment, or your relationship. I get it.
I’m here to tell you, though, if you have a case in court, never, ever choose telling one of those BIG lies (and you know what they are) to your lawyer or your judge over telling the truth. I beg of you. Please.
If you get caught, you will lose. Every. Single. Time.
So what if you have already lied and now you have been caught?
If you want to try and save the relationship (with your spouse, friend, ex, lawyer or judge), you MUST do these four things:
1. Acknowledge that you lied.
2. Apologize for lying.
3. Accept 100% responsibility for what you did (do not blame anyone but yourself).
4. Ask for forgiveness.
Even if you do these things, there is NO guarantee this formula will work. In fact, if you’ve already been caught lying, you might never be trusted again. That could be deadly for your relationship with your spouse, friend, ex, lawyer or judge.
I can make one guarantee, though: if you refuse to own your behavior, if you blame others, or if you show no remorse, things will get worse before they get better. Be prepared for things not to get better for a long time. In fact, be prepared for the worst case scenario which is for things to NEVER get better.
What if you have a case in court and your spouse (not you) is the one who is lying? I have an answer to that, too. Take a look at this week’s featured Hernandez Family Law post, “My Spouse is a Liar, and I Can Prove It.” In this post, we help you understand why it may not be in your best interest to spend all of your time and resources trying to prove certain types of lies.
Getting back to the topic at hand, though–YOUR lies. I will leave you with these final thoughts:
At your core, you are a good person. Don’t mess up your life by choosing to lie to the wrong person.(<–Tweet this!) If it is too late and you’ve already been caught lying, don’t let fear or pride get in the way of doing what needs to be done to save the situation, yourself, and your life.
Say that you lied. And say that you’re sorry.
Sending you wishes for a week where you keep it real.
All my best,
Wendy
P.S. Have you ever caught someone in a lie? How did that person handle the situation? How did it make a difference in your future relationship? Leave a comment below.
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