How to Purge Relationship Drama with Four Little Words

by | Dec 31, 2013 | Life Coaching, Newsletter, Relationships, Uncategorized, Wendy Hernandez Blog

How to Purge Relationship Drama with Four Little Words

Does it ever seem like relationship drama is all around you?

Do you not feel “complete” unless your underwear is in some sort of wad because you are feeling annoyed, judged, judgmental or downright pissed off at someone at any given point in time?

OK, OK…whether you will admit being addicted to the rush caused by conflict or not, take a look around.

Do you feel or see relationship drama in any of the following places in your life?

How to Purge Relationship Drama
How to Purge Relationship Drama

  • At home.
  • At work.
  • Within your immediate family.
  • Within your spouse or partner’s family.
  • With people you once considered friends.
  • With people you still consider friends.
  • With any person helping you whether it be an employee, waiter or waitress, clerk, cashier or
  • On your Facebook news feed.

If so, I have the secret elixir that will fix this problem right up. After fighting past the initial cravings and withdrawals that come with purging relationship drama addiction, your life WILL be happy, you WILL have more friends, and you WILL draw more of what you actually desire to yourself. I guarantee it.

All you have to remember is this one little thing:

It’s not about you.

Seriously. This statement is so important, I’m going to say it again:

It’s not about you!

Part I of It’s Not About You

When you are going about your daily life, consider that there might be another perspective besides your own. Remember that at certain moments in time, the other person in your life might need things to be about THEM. Really!

Let things be about someone else for a change. It does wonders for the harmony of personal relationships. Let me name a few of those moments when you should try to let things be about the other person:

  • When the other person is a woman and she is in labor.
  • When the other person has just given birth.
  • When it’s the other person’s birthday.
  • When it’s the other person’s wedding day.
  • When the other person is going through a breakup or divorce.
  • When the other person is facing a life-threatening illness.
  • When the other person is depressed.
  • When the other person is showing you deeper parts of themselves by opening up and being vulnerable.
  • When the other person (or people) are your children, you have separated from the other parent and it’s the holidays or a birthday celebration.
  • When the other person (or people) are your children and you are sitting next to the ex at a school play.

There are lots more instances when you really should let things be about the other person. You will know when those situations come up. Before you open your mouth and start making it all about you… STOP.

Think, for a change, about what the other person is feeling. Put yourself in his or her position. What would YOU want to hear or feel if you were that person?

Put your deep-seated childhood issues on hold for a minute. Don’t talk. Be kind. Have some compassion. Give the other person the room to have the experience they deserve.

In other words, let it be about them.

Because in that particular moment, as harsh as this may sound…

It’s. Not. About. You.

Sorry.

Part II of It’s Not About You

For goodness sake, the things other people say and do are NEVER about you! Stop taking everything so personally. I don’t care if the other person has just made what seems like the most horrific “personal” remark about your looks, intelligence, skill, or abilities.

It’s really about the other person, not you.

I know! It feels like I’m playing Jedi mind tricks on you, doesn’t it? When another person says something like, “I liked your hair better BEFORE you got it cut,” it’s pretty hard not to take something like THAT personally, isn’t it?

Well don’t.

Think about the fact that the other person might not have the best filter. Or, the other person might be insecure him or herself. Or, the other person thinks s/he is actually giving a compliment by saying your hair looked nice the other way.

How a person speaks or acts towards you is about their “issues,” insecurities and above all, fears. Think about this for a minute…

When you feel the need to whip out some holier-than-thou self-righteous action on someone, why do you do it? Because it makes you feel smart. Because it makes you feel better-than. Because it makes you feel superior.

Why do you need to do that?

Because you feel fear.

You are afraid of being dumb. You are afraid of being less-than. You are afraid of someone being “more” than you.

So…let’s flip this back the other way. When someone puts down your husband, your kid, your abs, or your cooking, it’s because they need to feel better about themselves. It’s because they are afraid. It’s all about them.

It’s not about you.

And what does this mean? It means that in spite of the fact that someone just peed on your bonfire, now is the time to muster up some compassion in your heart and give that other individual what s/he needs. What does that other person need most? Understanding and love.

What this also means is when you are emotionally ready and the timing is right (i.e., the other person didn’t just finish giving birth – remember Part I above?), to respectfully express (a) how the other person’s words or actions may have hurt you and (b) how you would like to see the relationship move forward. Just because another person’s behavior towards you is not about you doesn’t mean you have to tolerate what you perceive as mistreatment, either. By all means, speak your peace, say what’s in your heart and remember, when you are in the midst of negotiating any and all relationships in your life…

It’s not about you.

Sending you my wishes for a week in which you remember it’s not about you and those in your life remember it’s not about them.

All my best,

-w

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