How to Make Your Relationships and Life Easier Through Contribution
In today’s society, it’s all about the “easy”. It’s splattered all over your Facebook news feed along with ads that proclaim “instant” happiness when you click the button to meet “the woman of your dreams.” With smartphones, computers and social networks dominating our every minute, you would think that our lives would be far easier. Right?
Wrong.
“Easy” in any relationship–whether it’s a former marriage or new relationship–takes work. How do I know this? Probably because I have been the victim and perpetrator of making my life (along with everyone else’s) more difficult.
Case in point…
Contribution Makes Your Relationships Easier
A few years back I was involved in a perfectly healthy relationship. You know, I was happy arguing every five minutes about the forty-minute drive I had to take (every day) to see my ex; her complaint that I spent too much time playing Call of Duty; the dread of having to spend mass amounts of money for a weekend getaway; and the potential fight that would ensue because I wouldn’t fork out $100 bucks a night to make her happy. Perfectly healthy right?
When I look back on that relationship along with the subsequent relationships, how was it that I could suck at life this much? Then, I noticed a common theme with each one of those individuals (including myself):
Contribution.
Contribute to the Chaos OR Contribute to the “Good Times”
The issue isn’t that I sucked at life, but rather neither party was willing to contribute to the overall happiness. Instead, my relationships have been sowed in fields of selfishness and reluctance to make the situation more pleasant. Even after my relationships dissolved, I was still making life difficult because of personal “principles” that would affect the other negatively.
It took me a few counselor trips and about two years to realize that the responsibility was mine–depending on the situation. As with most people who go through a breakup, there is a period of healing and re-evaluation that must happen before moving forward. It’s as though this “emotional exploration” strengthens who you really are before you give yourself to others.
Once I had gotten through those difficult times, I began to comprehend this notion of contribution. Not only was I understanding this concept professionally, I was noticing how it applied to every particle of my life:
My Personal Problem/Solution/Contribution Syllogism
Problem: I have lower back pain.
Solution: Start exercising or see a damn doctor.
Contribution: Exercise and stretching for flexibility will get rid of my back pain and will likely benefit me. Throw in healthy eats and I’m on the road to a healthier lifestyle.
Problem: The sink is filled with dirty dishes.
Solution: Fill up the damn dishwasher.
Contribution: Wash the dishes after each meal so you don’t have sink filled with your mess by the end of the week.
Problem: It’s too dark in my living room.
Solution: Invest in some lights.
Contribution: No need to strain my eyes while reading or watching the TV. Therefore, I don’t have to see a doctor.
Problem: My car is making a funny noise.
Solution: See a mechanic or evaluate the last time you did maintenance on the car.
Contribution: Doing maintenance on the car every 3,000-5,000 miles will give you peace of mind when you’re driving across the barren Navajo desert.
While this exercise in deductive reasoning seems like it couldn’t apply to your recent divorce, believe me it can. Sure you’ve gone through a crappy break-up and your ex is nothing more than a gigantic $*%&^! However, this can all change when you put little people in the picture with your selfishness. I don’t need to be a parent to see my own friends using their children as pawns after the divorce has been final.
Your Ex-Husband Can Definitely Hang Out With Your Current Husband. Really.
Just last week I read an article on the Huffington Post that discussed the concept of blended families and how the exes contribute to the overall happiness of the family. The incorporation of two different families resulted in zero conflict (and a husband/ex-husband “man-trip” to a basketball game. TOGETHER!) Do you think there was fighting?
For most who have an ex, this is completely unthinkable and understandable. However, there was a sentiment that really struck home with me when one of the individuals said, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick.” This couldn’t be more true and when you think about it, drinking poison doesn’t sound like a party. Wishing the absolute worst on someone else isn’t exactly noble either.
Look, I know it sounds like my life is perfect and that I have all the answers. I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m far from perfect because I have a stack of dishes behind me in the sink. But when it comes to my current and former relationships, I make every effort to contribute something positive no matter how good or bad the situation is. Sometimes my contribution doesn’t have to be material. Oftentimes, my contribution is providing a laugh or two that brings levity to a situation.
However, when it comes to the former relationships, there will need to be some form of acceptance of yourself or your ex. If your ex has found the hottest new girlfriend on the market, so be it. Swallowing that reality is hard, but your acceptance of his happiness will pay dividends when it comes to your long-term fortune.
As for me? I received an email last week from my ex after two years of silence. She started the email off by saying, “Random, I know…” cognizant of the fact that emailing me was probably a bad idea. Nevertheless, hearing from her was a great surprise. Now that we are over our own bickering, I learned that she is married, has a beautiful baby girl, and is looking to move into a newly constructed house in Surprise, Arizona. I doubt that I will ever hang out with her again, but hearing about her happiness left me with no ax to grind.
Life became much easier when I contributed to her happiness by congratulating her on all of her accomplishments. The best part?
I actually meant it.