How to Deal With a Grumpy Husband
Episode 25
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Disclaimer: The materials and content within this podcast are intended as general information only and are not to be considered a substitute for professional legal advice or a consultation with a lawyer.
1. Family Law Tip of the Week
In today’s Family Law Tip of the Week, Wendy talks about reacting vs. responding. When you react, you are doing so without reflection or contemplation. When you respond, you pause (even half a second) and think about what you are going to say and how you will say it.
If more people in the world would measure their responses (instead of reacting out of impulse), there would be more harmony!
You can use this tip anywhere: on the stand during a divorce or custody case, with your partner, with your family, with your co-workers and with the people you meet out in the world everyday. Give it a try! Let us know how things go.
2. How to Deal With a Grumpy Husband
Mara Hoover is a financial planner and the author of “My Grumpy Husband.” Today, Mara talks with Wendy about money and why husbands get grumpy.
Mara’s book was borne of having a “practice marriage.” She was married for about a year and half, and she left that relationship not thinking she would ever get married again. Well…she did, and now Mara has been married for about seven years.
What Mara has noticed is that when her husband gets grumpy, it’s usually over pretty basic stuff. What Mara has also observed in working with women is that women internalize their emotions. They often play a tape in their heads in which they tell themselves certain things are their fault (like a man’s grumpiness).
Mara believes it is very important to have ongoing conversations with your partner about expectations. In the course of a relationship, people change a lot. That is normal. You have to manage these changes with real, open communication.
In the context of this, Wendy talks about how in Maricopa County Superior Court, family law judges order couples (with children) to sit down and talk about how a custody and parenting plan is working for the kids every 12 – 24 months. Wendy believes this is something that relationship partners should consider doing on a regular basis, as well. Mara agrees with the concept of a yearly relationship evaluation in which people talk about what’s working, what’s not working and how they each are feeling.
So, now…for the six “S’s” that make men grumpy:
1. Shower
This comes down to the anatomical design of men. Mara finds that when her husband experiences physical discomfort, it gets in the way of him functioning at his highest level. Oftentimes, just taking a shower makes him “feel better.”
2. Sleep
Be cognizant of the fact that your husband (or man) needs rest. When one partner (or both) have sleep debt, the chances that conflict might happen increase. In Mara’s book, she addresses how couples deal when one is an “early bird” and the other one is a “night owl.”
Have the conversation about how you will manage your different energy needs.
3. Snacks
When men get hungry, they get grumpy. This is an easy problem to solve with just a little planning. Also remember that at times, conflict can arise over something which is really NOT the issue (when hunger is, in fact, the issue).
4. Sports
What Mara is referring to here is a man’s need to physically exert himself and/or watch sports. Talk about how you and your husband will balance his need/desire to participate in sports/physical activity. Again…manage expectations.
5. Sex
Earlier in her relationship with her husband, Mara and he went to a sex therapist, Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, to talk about sexual expectations in the relationship. (Be sure to listen to Dr. Jenn on Let’s Get the Sexy Back Into Your Romantic Relationships.) In meeting with Dr. Jenn, Mara discovered her husband wanted sex twice a day, while she would have been happy with twice a week (on a good week). This was an excellent jumping off point for Mara and her husband to negotiate this aspect of the relationship.
6. Space
This came up for Mara when she was talking to some friends who had just had a baby. The wife stayed home and took care of the baby all day, while the husband worked. When the husband came home, the couple often had conflict over “who” was going to get “me” time.
Ladies be advised: Men often need transition time between work and home. Their brains work differently than women’s brains. Give them some space!
BONUS: Money Tips for Couples
Of the 50% divorce rate, 70% of those divorces happen around money. Mara is an accomplished financial professional. As a bonus, Mara provides insight on relationships and money.
There is a difference between money and finances. Your “finances” relate to your long-term planning. “Money” is your short-term everyday “stuff.”
The Money Couple created a quiz in which people can discover what money personality they have. People are savers, spenders, risk-takers, security-seekers, or flyers. If you are a saver and married to a spender, you will want to spend money differently. This could cause conflict.
Again, this “difference” comes down to partners managing expectations between them. A lot of your money attitudes as an adult are the result of how you were raised by your parents. Understanding the effect these unconscious beliefs have on your life gives you a lot of power.
You can find Mara Hoover at mygrumpyhusband.com. Mara is also Facebook and on YouTube. By going to mygrumpyhusband.com, you can purchase a copy of “My Grumpy Husband” and take the Money Quiz.
3. Thoughts From the Life Coach
Today, James gives “5 Simple Rules for a Better Life.” You MUST listen to get the full gist of these rules!
1. If you can, take the stairs.
2. Second helpings are overrated.
3. At every opportunity, breathe deeply.
4. When in doubt, go with the better one.
5. Avoid shortcuts.