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1. Family Law Tip of the Week
2. When You Fail Better, You F.A.I.L. to Win
If you feel like you’re encountering failure in any area of your life, this is a podcast you need to listen to. In today’s episode of The Family Law Insider, Triffany Hammond is back to talk to us about failure and failing to win. Triffany Hammond is a life coach with The Wellness Accomplice. She has some special opportunities for people who really want to dig into their failure.
Pain Is Inevitable
“It can change though.”
We’re going to have these things that we perceive as failures. We’re going to have loss, change, grieving, and they are all inevitable. The piece that we have control over is whether or not we suffer as a result of that pain. Triffany wrote a book for people to identify the difference between these 2 things: The event that creates pain and the story we continue to tell ourselves.
There’s Always A Point Where It Is A Choice
“That’s just the way it is.”
We’re pre-wired to identify with our pain points in the first place. We have a cognitive bias (negativity bias), a survival mechanism so that we can see problems before they arise. Once the problems arise, we know those are what we need to address to keep ourselves safe and healthy. So, it’s not a bad thing that we default to focus on what’s wrong.
“That thing happened, what are you making it mean?”
We come to a point when we don’t want to live our lives negatively anymore. We can see that there are good things in our lives, and it becomes an additional pain point that we can’t appreciate the positive. That point is the opportunity we have to make a choice to accept pain, but deny the suffering.
“Everyone has a different story.”
Some people make divorce mean they failed, and some people make it mean they can’t trust their instincts anymore. Realizing what we make “failure” mean is the point we begin to massage and then we begin to dissolve the story of it.
We’re Wired For Curiosity.
“Let’s get playful and curious about what’s possible.”
Start by identifying the story (the pain point) and ask questions of it. The brain wants to answer the question of what are we making it mean.
The first piece is accepting that failure is there. The thing we push back hardest against is the thing that keeps coming back in front of us, so we accept it first.
“Yeah buts” And “True thats”
When we’re fighting against failure, we try to stop feeling like a failure. Trying to resist that failure creates more of a sense of failure. We’re adding an extra layer of pain called “guilt” for not feeling grateful. Perpetuating the sense of failure creates additional layers of pain.
“The moments people are most proud of themselves are related to something they overcame.”
Divide a piece of paper into 3 columns. Write down “I am…” on the first column. If you’re feeling like a failure but you want to feel like a success, write down what you are claiming. Stake your claim in success by saying “I am successful.”
The second column is “Yeah, but…” These are all the negative stories. Don’t judge them; you just write them down. We’re not calling in these bad thoughts.
The third column is “True that!” It is acknowledging that the failure is true and knowing that through failures you will come out stronger.
“What you begin to do is you drop the resistance.”
Accept that the experience of failure is true, then think of a new beginning and be stronger. We’re not denying the failure, but we’re giving it its due voice so that it shuts up, and then we’re compiling list of ways where this is going to serve us.
Catching The Sense Of Failure
“It’s hard to catch our thoughts.”
Our confirmation bias has looked almost exclusively at the proof that our failure is the correct story. The nature of confirmation bias is ignoring the evidence that we’re a success.
The physical body—Sense of failure can come up in different places of the body. Wherever that is, that becomes the thing that triggers the attention to the thought.
Our language—Saying “I have to,” “I need to,” and such becomes heavy language; we are creating a density in our thoughts. Noticing the use of such phrases is an opportunity to lay down the struggle. Instead of “I have to,” use “I want to.” Laying down that heavy language makes a big difference.
We Are Born With Negativity
“If a baby is comfortable, there’s no reason to cry.”
We are actually pre-wired with the negativity bias and it is perpetuated by upbringing. We have some control in the way that we speak to our children and to ourselves about perceived failure. Kids make mistakes, but as long as our first response is to ask them to investigate their own perceived failure, we can help our child(ren) find the lesson that can inform their future decisions.
The Positive Change
Triffany shares a story where her client was able to affect family dynamics, having a curious and playful energy that made her husband gravitate into that energy. When we work on our own garbage to have a clear place to start from, our whole being changes and the way people respond to us changes.
There are some people who don’t want the dynamic to change and who are resistant even to a positive change. They want to be your source of happiness, they don’t want you to generate your own source of happiness—Our practice is whether or not we let that go.
Book: F.A.I.L. To Win.
“For All Is Love”
In her book, Triffany created a system that allows people to come back to their own sense of self-value. Triffany wrote the book talking about layers in discovering yourself and handling failure. It has been available as a telecourse. The telecourse is cost-prohibitive for some people, so Triffany wrote the book for people to have better access to the tools she provides. Triffany started a crowd-funding campaign on Indiegogo for the book in order to reach out to more people and give perks to supporters. The funding will end on November 27, 2014 (11:59 pm PT).