Why Am I Always Being Dumped? Being the Dumpee Sucks.

For over twenty years of my life, I constantly wondered this.  But first…

 

I was lucky enough to participate in a Google Plus Hangout On-Air (yesterday) for the first time. In the first of its series, California counselor Kurt Smith of Guy Stuff Counseling led a panel of people through a discussion on “Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You.” This Hangout is a great opportunity to learn from other people’s experiences and get some “free” counseling from Kurt.

 

In the video below, you will hear about balancing competing interests in a relationship, communication and knowing when it is time to cut the cord on a relationship when the other person doesn’t love you.

I was raised by parents who are still together after almost 50 years of marriage. Believe it or not, they got together when they were 13 and 14 years old, were sweethearts throughout their teenage years, then got married not long out of high school. Crazy, right?

 

I thought that was the way my life would go.

 

Yeah. Not so much.

 

From the time I was 16 years old, I hoped and prayed that every boyfriend who came into the picture would be my future life mate. If I “made it” past a first date, I started planning our wedding as I wondered what we would someday name our children. I was involved in a few abusive and unhealthy relationships because I was not thinking AT ALL about whether the boyfriend-of-the-month was right for me. I was just focused on getting married and having babies.

 

All of this was problematic for several reasons:

 

 

I was not living in the present moment.

 

Instead, I was too busy designing (my future) perfect engagement ring. I missed out on the fun of getting to know different people. I didn’t use the dating process to figure out exactly what I wanted in a future partner. To me, the only thing that mattered was reaching my goal: THE ALTAR.

 

 

Men sensed my desperation.

 

Just as an animal can sense fear, future potential partners can sense desperation. In most cases, my neediness made men run for the hills. When this continued to happen, I only became more desperate. And needy. And unattractive to the type of person who would be my perfect partner.

 

 

I started to loathe myself.

 

As I found myself always being the person being dumped, my daily ritual of negative self-talk escalated. I told myself I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I thought I needed to be prettier, sexier, smarter, richer, flirtier, funnier, more well-read, and so on. I turned my focus to becoming the person I thought a “good” partner would want.

 

Don’t get me wrong here: there is never anything wrong with improving yourself. The problem was, however, I wasn’t doing it for ME. I was doing it for someone else who wasn’t even in the picture, yet.

 

One day 9 or 10 years ago, I woke up and realized how very unhappy I was. I saw how I had put my whole life on hold waiting for Prince Charming to come and sweep me off my feet. At that point, I was convinced I would never find my perfect partner and that I would die old, lonely and childless.

 

Don’t despair. Something really good did happen. No…Prince Charming didn’t come galloping up on a white horse. Not right then, anyway.

 

What did happen was I decided that I would start living my life FOR ME. I made the choice to begin doing the things I wanted to do whether anyone else was in on it or not. I finally started to LIVE!

 

I bought tickets to go see the Phoenix Suns and went to the games…alone. I went to my favorite concerts whether anyone wanted to go with me or not. I traveled the world solo. I sunbathed topless on the beach in France… Fun, huh? Yes!

 

These experiences forced me to open my heart and mind to new and “uncomfortable” situations. As a result, I became friends with people in the most unlikely of places…

 

…standing in front of the Monte Carlo in Monaco

 

…in line at the supermarket

 

…at the farmer’s market in Nice

 

…hiking Camelback Mountain

 

…riding in a gondola in Venice

 

As I started to expand my worldview, I began to heal my own heart. I became more confident in myself. Because I had traveled the world, I started to feel that I could take on the world.

 

I became my own best friend. And, as I started to give myself the unconditional love that I deserved, I started to see love all around me. Then, the upward spiral began: I fell more in love with myself and with my life.

 

One day, love in the form of my future husband finally walked in. Actually, he had walked into my life a long time before, but I wasn’t ready to see love (him).

 

That’s OK, though.

 

I needed that time to master the one thing we all need to do if we want any hope of a healthy and happy romantic relationship. I still work on mastering that one thing EVERY SINGLE day.

 

That one thing is loving myself.

 

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