A Family Law Attorney’s Soundtrack to the Worst Divorce Decisions
Have you ever made a really horrendous decision?
Were the worst decisions you ever made done under high pressure? And stress? And amidst confusing alternatives?
Yesssss. Car buying sucks.
I’d rather go through the agony of a car buying experience than go through a divorce, though. Talk about high pressure. And stress. And confusing alternatives.
There is nothing as bad as making the biggest decisions of YOUR LIFE under the worst conditions to make those decisions:
During divorce your life has been turned upside down. Money is short. The ex is being unreasonable in some way, shape or fashion. Lawyer’s bills are coming in the mail. And, somewhere a judge is probably freaking out because we all just can’t get along.
There are times when it can get to be too much. When it hits the point of “too” much, some of the worst divorce decisions get made. I HATE when this happens.
I want to help this NOT happen to people in the future. So, today, I am going to tell you the absolute worst times to make a major divorce decision. To some, this is not the most riveting of topics.
Soooo, this week, I have a BONUS to “mix” things up. Click the playlist below, and you will be able to stream MY handpicked soundtrack to the worst divorce decisions ever made (if you have Spotify installed on your computer, tablet or mobile). If you want to get Spotify, click here.
As with any good playlist, there is a little country, rock n’ roll, Michael Jackson and Elvis. There is something for everyone, and if you want to look inside the music that has touched my soul during my own grief and loss, have a listen.
I’ve “done” hundreds of divorces in my career as a Phoenix family law attorney. When I see people, they aren’t operating under optimum conditions. From my experience, there are some specific and identifiable dangerous time periods when people should be VERY, VERY careful about making major divorce decisions:
(1) When they are really pissed;
(2) When they are at a place where they would give anything to get their partner back;
(3) When they are at a place where they would give anything to put an end to the dissolution process;
(4) When they are feeling guilty; OR
(5) When they are feeling depressed, hopeless and like giving up.
Not surprisingly, these “dangerous” time periods relate to the 5 Stages of Grief and Loss, a hypothesis introduced in 1969 by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. People who are experiencing grief from the loss of a relationship move through these five stages. It is also important to remember that if you are going through a breakup or divorce AND you have kids, not only will you experience the five stages, but your children will, too.
Here they are:
Denial
Tell me I was dreaming
That you didn’t leave me here to cry
You didn’t say
You don’t love me anymore
It was just my imagination telling lies
Tell me that you didn’t say goodbye
-Travis Tritt, Tell Me I Was Dreaming
During denial, you might have a hard time accepting the fact that the relationship is over. You aren’t ready to move past the loss. As with any of the 5 Stages of Grief and Loss, the length of each of the phases varies, depending on the person. (After a devastating heartbreak of my own in 1995, I was in the denial phase for at least a year. I know…pretty bad, huh? In most cases, I think the denial phase is shorter for many people. Thank goodness.)
Many people who have just been slapped with divorce papers consult with me during the denial phase. Some of them want to try and reconcile with their partner. Most feel the constraints of legal deadlines and are forced to move forward in the process whether they like it or not.
SOME decisions usually must be made during divorce while someone is in the denial phase. There are better times to make decisions. There are definitely worse times to make decisions.
Like this one…
Anger
I used to love her
But I had to kill her
I used to love her, mm, yeah
But I had to kill her
She bitched so much
She drove me nuts
And now I’m happier this way
-Guns ‘n Roses, Used to Love Her
CODE RED! CODE RED!
This is a BAD time to make major decisions during divorce, especially without thought and contemplation. You are angry, but you might not just be angry. You might be in a bloody rage! Someone is to blame for this mess, and you want that person to pay.
Don’t kill anyone. Don’t pick up the kids and move to Mexico. Don’t burn his clothes on the front lawn. Remember that by making an impulsive decision during this phase, you, my friend, could hose yourself and your case.
Talk to someone before making a big divorce decision during the anger phase. Wait. Breathe. Calm the hell down. You are at risk of making one of the worst divorce decisions ever during this phase.
Bargaining
Oh baby give me one more chance
Won’t you please let me
Back in your heart
Oh darlin I was blind to let you go
But now since I see you in his arms
I want you back
Oh I do now
I want you back
Ooh ooh baby
I want you back
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Na na na na
-I Want You Back, Jackson 5
PROCEED WITH CAUTION HERE!
During the bargaining phase, you might find yourself suffering from extreme guilt. You might also get sucked into doing what you can to keep your soon-to-be-ex in the picture.
These are some things I commonly hear my clients say during the bargaining phase:
“Can we still be friends?”
“Can we still share the dog? No? What about the timeshare?”
“S/he can have everything. All the money. All the property. And, I will pay A LOT of spousal maintenance for the rest of her life.”
<:-o this is me cringing o-:>
If your partner knows you will do nearly anything to stay in his or her life, that person could use that knowledge to get more out of a divorce settlement than is fair. If you are going through the divorce process and feel yourself wanting to give a lot more than you are receiving, roll it back. Talk to the people closest to you. Could you be in the bargaining phase of grief and loss?
If you are, step on the brakes. Get a lawyer’s view on what you are negotiating. Find out what the law says. Don’t leave yourself high and dry in the hopes that your lover might come back. Don’t give away the farm because you feel guilty, either.
Be fair to your partner. Most importantly though, be fair to yourself. Make sure you make decisions to set yourself up right in the future.
Depression
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment, you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No, she’s not ’cause she’s gone
Gone, gone, gone, gone
-John Mayer, Dreaming With a Broken Heart
OFFICIAL ADVISORY IN EFFECT.
You feel hopeless. You don’t want to get out of bed. You want to sleep forever. You have nearly given up. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want to return phone calls. You especially don’t want to face your ex. In court. Or anywhere.
Please. Don’t give up. Don’t let it all go. Don’t make one of the worst divorce decisions by failing to make a decision at all.
Find something that is worth living for…your kids, your parents, or your dog. If you just don’t have the will to fight for the things that are important in your life, get someone to do it for you. Don’t throw it all away.
One day, you will wake up and find that you feel better. I promise.
Acceptance
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
-John Newton, Amazing Grace
Ahhhhhh. The sun shines once more. You can smile. You might even feel like going to the gym. Or dancing. Or giving love a chance again.
Before you jump into that next relationship though, read this week’s featured Hernandez Family Law post on What Elvis and Dwight Yoakam Say About Suspicious Minds. In this blog, our resident life coach helps us understand why this song (made famous by The King) is so grounded in truth. Having a suspicious mind can screw a lot of things up, including your present and and future relationships. You must check out this post.
As for your own broken heart, remember that one day, you will get back in saddle. It will happen. And when it does, you will be in the absolute best position to make big decisions about your life and create the future you want and deserve.
Sending you wishes for a week in which you are rockin’ and rollin’!
All my best,
Wendy
P.S. If you could add your own song to my playlist, what would it be? Leave a comment below and tell me!
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