Sex After Divorce
Disclaimer: The materials and content within this podcast are intended as general information only and are not to be considered a substitute for professional legal advice or a consultation with a lawyer.
1. Family Law Tip of the Week
With Mother’s Day just having passed and Father’s Day on the way, think about this: your relationship with your ex will dictate what type of adults your children turn into someday. The healthier the relationship with the other parent, the healthier your children will be. A great way to start rebuilding the relationship with your ex is by helping your kids in common remember “special” days (like Mother’s and Father’s Day). By encouraging the kids to pick out a card or gift, you are showing them it is OK to still love both parents AND you will be extending an olive branch to your ex which will be, in the long run, the best thing for the kids.
2. Sex After Divorce With Delaine Moore
Delaine Moore is the author of “The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom,” a journalist, a speaker, and a Mars/Venus business and life coach. A Lifetime movie based on Delaine’s book will be released in 2014.
The inspiration behind Delaine’s book came from her own 7 year marriage that ended in divorce. The changes that happened for Delaine were hard and fast during the first year. Because of this, Delaine needed an outlet.
Delaine’s divorce experience was very up and down. A lot of the ripples in Delaine’s relationship with her ex came after the divorce was final. Delaine reminds us that even after the divorce is final, contention can still arise. In hindsight, Delaine recommends choosing mediation first if you can. (FYI – Delaine was a stay-at-home mom with children aged 6, 5 and 3 at the time she went through the divorce.)
The divorce was a difficult time for Delaine. It was challenging. She is living proof, however, it is possible to get through this!
During the first year after divorce, peoples’ lives are crumbling. They are also trying to rebuild. For many, part of this rebuilding includes dating. As a result, many people realize fears, questions and insecurities. Delaine felt it was important to write about this first year to show that progress can be measured in small amounts.
Part of the journey Delaine went through had to do with re-claiming herself. She had gotten lost in being a mother. She wondered “Who is Delaine the woman, the sexual being?” Part of re-discovering herself was through her dating and sexuality.
Delaine moved really quickly into the dating trenches. She doesn’t advise anyone to do the same. However, that is what Delaine needed to do. She understood she needed to heal, but she also felt like she needed to move fast (because time was ticking) and because she thought another relationship would take away the pain.
At some point, Delaine realized she was not ready for another relationship. At that point, she decided to take her time, and that was liberating.
After divorce, some people retreat from sex and dating all together. Others are looking for a rebound relationship to get out of pain. Then, there is another group (that Delaine inadvertently fell into) that give themselves time to explore and see what’s out there.
The first time experiences are scary because you walk in with insecurities. Your body has changed. What if you have a breakdown? What if he doesn’t call?
However, when the first experience is behind you, it gives an added sense of closure to your marriage. It also signifies a reclaiming of your body and yourself as you move forward.
When you are haunted by your demons, you have to feel the fear and move through it. Feel the pain. Recalibrate. Move on. If there are any valuable lessons that come out of that, extract them, and take them with you. There are lessons in everything.
Give yourself some credit. You are capable, and you can deal with it. Allow yourself to expand as you move forward on your divorce journey.
Learning how to trust yourself again is key in all of this! We are all scared to death when it comes to sexuality (especially for women). We’ve been taught we can’t trust our bodies and desires. When you go out and experience things, there is a sense of strength and self-knowing that comes with making this choice for yourself.
Delaine’s Experience with Sex After Divorce
Delaine was surprised at how much she learned in having sex after divorce. She discovered she had sublimated that passionate, fiery part of herself as a mom. Delaine learned to re-connect with this energy and get out there in life again.
Delaine went to a sex club for an evening. She didn’t participate. It was interesting and it brought her to more questions around the subject of sex, relationships and boundaries.
Delaine also explored DS (dominant-submission) even before “Fifty Shades of Grey.” During this time, she was learning a ton about herself through her relationships with men. Delaine was comfortable with these relationships, and they were mind-blowing, spiritually, emotionally and sexually.
Be open to the possibility of “more.” At the end of the day, you are capable of making good choices for yourself. Make sure your children are taken care of and that you are using protection, as well!
All of this comes down to being able to know what you want, express what you want and have faith in what you want.
Watch for Delaine’s movie on Lifetime which she expects will be released in 2014. Read the book, too. This is a message of hope, because you just don’t know what is around the corner.
For another great podcast episode on getting the sexy back into your romantic relationships, click here.
To listen to an episode on living passionately during a divorce, check this out.
For more on dating after divorce, listen to this.
3. Family Law News
In this week’s news, Matt talks with us about trends in unconsensual sexts.