How to Overcome Assumptions
Disclaimer: The materials and content within this podcast are intended as general information only and are not to be considered a substitute for professional legal advice or a consultation with a lawyer.
1. Family Law Tip of the Week
In today’s Family Law Tip, Wendy talks trial, what to do and what not to do.
2. How to Overcome Assumptions
Assumptions come up in people’s lives every day. If you allow it, an assumption about someone or something can destroy your whole day. Many times, people make assumptions about their soon-to-be ex during a divorce. Those assumptions get in the way of peaceful and successful co-parenting relationships, too.
In today’s episode of The Family Law Insider, Shari Yantes shares her personal and professional experiences in overcoming assumptions. Shari is a Personal Success and Training coach and author who has been speaking, mentoring, and training for 20+ years.
When You’re Not Building On Assumptions
“When you have that open line of communication, it makes such a difference.
Shari’s first divorce was considered an ugly one that took 18 months to settle. Her second divorce was very amicable and was settled in a month. Open communication helped Shari go through her second divorce with less resistance.
Open communication makes people realize that it’s not always about the other person, and it helps us learn more about ourselves. We like to blame the other person for everything, but we have to look inside ourselves, too.
“Age plays a part, personalities play a part.”
Shari and her first ex got married when they were young. On top of that, they both have alpha personalities. There will be issues when you’re both fighting for control, and there’s no stopping it when nobody wants to give in. There may not be a way around the fighting part, but Shari suggests that people have to try to do it the easiest way possible.
Assumptions Play A Big Part In Everyone’s Lives
“Assumptions can be negative and positive.”
You live by assumptions when you don’t have that line of communication that gives you the freedom to ask what’s going on. Even after divorce, Shari finds it important to say that she had a bad day at work to avoid other people making assumptions about her. It’s important for people to say, “Give me a minute,” because sometimes they don’t realize they’re going through life causing people around them to assume.
“When we don’t know the facts, we make them up.”
It’s not that we want to create chaos in our life, it’s not that we’re bad people, it’s just what we do—It’s human nature. We have to learn to give people some leeway. And maybe it’s okay to say, “Have a good day,” because that person (you’re making assumptions about) may not realize what’s coming from him/her.
7 C’s That Will Help You Overcome Assumptions
- Clarify – Whether you’re the one giving or getting communication, you need to clarify. Make sure that you or the person you’re talking to understands what’s going on before moving forward. We don’t often ask questions, as it is sometimes easier to stay in our assumption because we’re afraid of what we might hear when we clarify. It’s uncomfortable.
- Confirm – Once you clarify, confirm that you’re both on the same page before you move forward so that there are as few misunderstandings as possible.
- Confront – Ask. Shari is not talking about getting in someone’s face. It’s better to ask in a non-confrontational manner than to live in that assumption and then have it come out in anger.
- Check – Check that all your information is correct. You want to check because you need peace of mind. You don’t want to be second-guessing. Checking is just covering the basics and being smart.
- Consider – Step back and consider what else might be going on. When you get yourself all worked up from what people do, step back and consider what else might be going on. Step back, take a look, and ask yourself, “How would I be acting in that situation?”
It’s not always about the other person; think about how you’re acting too. Are you being open and receptive to the person or do you have a wall that makes them feel like they have the wall, too?
- Collaborate – Take a few minutes to work with an individual when you can. This is one that’s not always going to come into play; some things are just messy and ugly. But if you can, work together to find the answers. It makes life so much easier.
- Consequence – Consider the long and short-term consequences all the time. You are free to make a choice but you’re not free from its consequences. Think things through because you can’t take something back once you say/do it. Even if you apologize, the consequences are still out there, and you can’t change them.
A Different Approach
“It’s imperative to be able to think things through.”
The 7 C’s play even a more important role for people in high conflict. In these cases, Shari thinks a third-party is required. The third-party could be a mediator, a trusted friend, or a family member who can be neutral. It is important to choose a third-party carefully, and Shari strongly suggests you have somebody who has no emotional ties to either person.
How It Affects The Children
“Step back and consider the kids.”
Communication between (ex) spouses affect their children. Shari did not have good co-parenting relationship with her first ex which affected their daughter’s personality. Shari’s daughter ended up with very little (to no) relationship with her father… And that still hurts both Shari and her daughter.
Do not put your own nastiness in front of the kids. You will end up hurting them more than you hurt your (ex) spouse, and you can’t take it back. In the long run it’s not worth it.
Shari is currently working on a video summit called, “Love Your Life,” to help people get over through struggles in their lives. The summit will be held from November 8th through 14th, and it’s free! Check out Shari’s Facebook page for more information.
To find more about Shari Yantes, her events, and her upcoming book, check her out at shariyantes.com.
3. Thoughts From the Life Coach
In today’s thoughts, James talks about being the person you want to be 365 days of the year – not just on Halloween.