Family Law Attorneys-The Original “Twilight” Bloodsuckers

by | Aug 27, 2013 | Attorney Fees, Conflict Resolution, Newsletter, Save Money, Wendy Hernandez Blog

Family Law Attorneys-The Original “Twilight” Bloodsuckers

I cannot tell a lie.

I am a bloodsucker.

I am a family law attorney.

Today, I’m going to tell you about the two types of family law attorney “covens.”  This information will help you make a decision about the kind of bloodsucker you choose to represent you.  Before I give you the 411 though, let’s talk about Bella, Jacob and Edward.

I let myself get sucked into that whole Twilight frenzy thing a few years back.

This was despite the fact that I resisted reading the books for a really long time. As someone who likes to be a fad follower before the fad is a REALLY big fad, I just didn’t want to put myself into the category of “bandwagon jumper.”

Not only that, but I had a bad taste in my mouth because of my secretary (we’ll call her “Bella”) at the time.


She always seemed to be reading one of those books at her desk when she was supposed to be working. I just could not fathom what was so much more important than answering phones and transcribing letters. In fact, I often fantasized about taking whatever Twilight book Bella was reading and beating her with it so she would MOVE.

Finally, I just decided to fire her.

Unfortunately for Bella, I didn’t actually pick up one of the Twilight books until after I had fired her. Now, I can see why she was so obsessed. Oops.


Anyway, before firing her but after noticing that Bella was ignoring everything I said because her nose was buried in a rather fat, thick and black book, I asked her “what is the dealio?” For the first and only time while she was working for me, we really connected as she described the characters. And the forbidden love. And the heartbreak.

And the bloodsucking.

Bloodsucking? My ears perked up. “I love bloodsuckers,” I thought to myself. I fondly remembered the fact that Salem’s Lot (Stephen King) and Interview With the Vampire (Ann Rice) were two of my favorite reads as a high school teenager.

Yes. I loved bloodsuckers even before I became a lawyer. In fact, maybe my love of vampires is part of what inspired me to become a family law attorney myself.

Please don’t misjudge me, though.

Just as in the Twilight series, in the real world, there are two types of family law attorney bloodsuckers:

1. The “Conflict is King” Coven

Bloodsuckers from this coven focus on generating as much conflict as possible. More conflict means an extended bloodbath for the life of the case. This translates to more work for the bloodsucker because there is a lot more “to feed off.” These bloodsuckers have an uncanny knack for exaggerating the most minor of matters into issues of EPIC proportion.

The end result is undoubtedly zombied clients who have totally lost it and have been drained of every ounce…of everything. Not only that, but the clients’ children have likely been drawn into the feeding frenzy, causing them to see horrors they are not equipped to handle.

The “Conflict is King” bloodsucker will undoubtedly feel more rich (because s/he has billed for so many fees) and more powerful. Because of this, bloodsuckers from this coven quickly discard the previous client-victim to immediately move on to the next. They are usually not very mature, stable, nor loyal. One of these bloodsuckers would gladly throw her own mother under a bus if it meant she could earn a few extra bucks. Family law attorneys from this coven are only satisfied by hundreds and hundreds of billable hours, legitimate or not.


2. The “Highest Good” Coven

Bloodsuckers from this coven put more value on the sanctity of the family than anything. Although competitiveness is in their nature, before succumbing to that quality, they seek the noble goal of reducing conflict and drama. They believe this serves the highest good of the client.

These bloodsuckers are often misperceived as not being aggressive or assertive enough. Nothing could be further from the truth. These family law attorneys just pick the right time and place to flaunt their true power.

These bloodsuckers are mature, stable and loyal. However, in spite of wanting to avoid bloodbaths at all costs, at times, they are drawn into battle. When they are, they revert to their fighting instincts. In this case, they will defend a client’s reasonable position to death.

“Highest Good” bloodsuckers are satisfied by a result that best meets the needs of the client’s family. They are very resistant to any attempt at demolishing the other party out of anger, revenge, or for sport. Above all, bloodsuckers from this coven are concerned about the future happiness of the client’s family. In fact, most would throw themselves under a bus to avoid draining the client of…anything.

Which bloodsucker will you choose?

I can’t tell you what type of family law attorney is the right kind for you. I CAN tell you that you will be better off, however, if you hire one that shares the same values that you have. For example, if you have a “Conflict is King” mindset, yet you select a bloodsucker from the “Highest Good” coven, you and your attorney will not be aligned.

This will make you butt heads with one another. It will make both of you unhappy. It will probably not get you the results you want.

Another pointer: If you DO select a bloodsucker from the “Highest Good” coven, your family law attorney choice will work “best” for your situation if you do YOUR “best” to be reasonable. To test your level of reasonableness, this week’s featured Hernandez Family Law post is a little quiz to go along with our book theme: Fifty Shades of Reasonableness During Divorce.  Grab a refreshing drink, kick your feet up and take a read.

In case you haven’t noticed, I have decided not to reveal the type of bloodsucker I am. Leave me a comment below and tell me what coven you think I claim. I’m curious about what you think and why!

Sending you my wishes for a week that doesn’t suck!

All my best,


P.S. COMING IN TWO WEEKS: the new addition to our Family Law Updates that I have been promising for months!

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