Disciplining Your Child in the 2000s
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1. Family Law Tip of the Week
The key to a successful relationship with your attorney is communication. Communicate at the start of every case and at the start of every meeting with your lawyer.
2. Disciplining Your Child in the 2000s
Tara Kennedy-Kline is a Certified Parenting Expert, radio host, TV personality, speaker, and the author of “Stop Raising Einstein: Discover the Unique Brilliance in Your Child and You.” In this episode of The Family Law Insider, Tara Kennedy-Kline speaks with us about the confusion that exists for a lot of people around discipline, and she is going to talk with us about disciplining your child.
Definition Of Spanking
“I think the thing that confuses people is ‘What is it?’”
Tara thinks our society doesn’t have a clear and defined idea of what spanking is. The idea of spanking is very cultural and geographic. In terms of spanking, disciplinary actions could range from hand-to-buttocks to using a paddle.
When we talk about the abuse behind spanking, Tara doesn’t think that it’s so much as universally abusive… However, many abusers hide behind the term because they can get away with doing this.
Physical Contact As Discipline
“Physical contact was okay in a lot of different areas 50 or 60 years ago.”
50 or 60 years ago, it was okay for a man to make physical contact with his wife to correct a behavior because it was not something that we judged or talked about. It’s something that happened behind closed doors, so we didn’t really know what was going on.
Today is different. If your child is about to run out into a street full of traffic, grabbing them by the arm and whacking them on the bottom to get their attention is completely different to stripping your child and hitting them with an object to make your point.
One-Size-Fits-All vs Finding What Fits
“I’m going to hear you more if you…”
We receive information in different ways as adults and children are exactly the same way. If a child likes to be paid attention to and talk to, taking by the arms and talking to him/her resonates more than popping the child on the butt.
“One-size-fits-all approaches do not fit all with our children as far as discipline is concerned.”
Studies are coming out saying time-out is damaging to our children. But Tara has an autistic child who was prone to violent outbursts and needed to privately calm down before he was able to listen. For Tara, time-out was extremely effective to her autistic child because it was a cool-down period rather than punishment.
“You have so much energy right now, we need to go out and play.”
Tara recommends to find out what’s really driving the child. Parents can’t simply drive the energy out of children. All a parent can do is redirect the child’s energy into a more productive way of doing things.
Children get their energy from the things that we’re putting into their body and the way that we’re stimulating them. Children may be excited now by something that was going on in their environment prior to that, so spanking isn’t going to drive the message home to them because in their mind, they have not done anything wrong.
Misbehavior In Public
“Children didn’t just recently start acting like children.”
We’ve started introducing children to more adult environments and exposing them to more adults. And, because we are shunned for doing that, our kids are having less experience at getting adapted to being around adults and acting with good behavior around adults.
“A 2-year old cannot sit still for 2 hours.”
If your children start to get rambunctious and you haven’t prepared things for them to do in a restaurant, it is your responsibility to take them outside and get some of the energy out of them. It doesn’t make sense to them that they have to do something for an extraordinarily long period of time-you have never asked them to do it any other time.
“Until something is common for a child, it’s not common sense for a child.”
Children’s reasoning starts when things become a routine or common for them and they start understanding the environments that they’re in. If they don’t know why they’re not supposed to touch the stove, then they would not understand why their parents are causing them pain.
We don’t start using the reasoning and logic center of our brain until we get to be around 9-years old. If children don’t do what their parents ask them to do, maybe they don’t know what parents are asking of them. Doing new things is a very broad request from someone who has not done it before.
Make a game out of tasks or do something that children can remember. Sing a song to motivate children to do something specific in a very short period of time, when they can focus and concentrate on the task that they’re being asked.
Alternatives To Discipline
Yelling, spanking, and all of those things are done as a reaction and out of frustration. The first thing that adults should do in this situation is to collect themselves. We have to quiet ourselves and think about what we want to teach our children. Tara is certain that parents can figure out many ways for children to understand what are expected of them.
“They say that you have to say something 3 times before a child remembers it.”
Everything that we do around and in front of our children is teaching them how to behave, because we are their ultimate model. So, if we want our children to make their beds, we have to make their beds with them. Make their bed with them 3 times before you expect them to remember it.
“Take a picture.”
Take a picture of their bed when it’s made and hang it on the wall next to the bed. That way, they can look at the picture and remember how to do it.
“That’s wonderful! You did a great job!”
It makes them remember when we give our children the ability to be proud of the things that they have accomplished.
Figure Out Your Child’s Love Language.
Your child will tell you what their love language is by how they show their love to you. There are lots of ways we can observe our children and find out what drives them to know more about how to discipline them.
Gift Receiver – Your child draws you pictures or makes mud pies, trying to give you things they’ve created for you. These kids love gifts as rewards. Parents can make pictures, draw cards, or give them love notes as gifts.
In the same way, these kids are more effectively disciplined by taking away something that’s precious to them… But–parents have to tell them the repercussions of disobedience beforehand.
Time Receiver – Your child wants to spend time with you. These are the kids who are more effectively disciplined by time-out, time away from you, or isolated time.
Affirmation Receiver – Your child will be telling you all the time how much they love and idolize you. This is a child who will be easily disciplined by words.
We have to be very careful that we don’t use words like “lazy” or “sloppy,” or any label because such a child will own every single word that comes out of our mouth.
Physical Touch Receiver – Your child gives you hugs all the time. We don’t realize that so many times, our children love us so much that they just want to bite us. Even adults feel this way sometimes! This is a child who is more impacted by the pop on the bottom.
These children are also hugely offended and emotionally scarred by spanking. If you pulled them close to you (where they can feel your hands on them) and you look them in the eyes and tell them what you want from them, they’re going to be more apt to hear you.
Discipline From Old And New
“Thank you for giving me the strength to make my own decisions for myself and my family.”
Tara thinks it is valuable to acknowledge our parents’ parenting style that worked, but also deciding on what is not effective for our lives nowadays. Our parents told us that they did everything out of love, so for us to say “I’m choosing not to do that,” is almost like we’re insulting what they gave us. Honor what your parents gave you while standing up for yourself.
3. Thoughts From the Life Coach
In today’s thoughts, James talks about the fact that you have all the answers you need inside of you.