How to Be a B.I.T.C.H. In the Best Way Possible
Disclaimer: The materials and content within this podcast are intended as general information only and are not to be considered a substitute for professional legal advice or a consultation with a lawyer.
1. Family Law Tip of the Week
In fighting over property during divorce, remember that not all assets are created equally. Before you enter into your final settlement agreement, if you’re splitting up 401k’s, pensions, investment accounts, and real property, check with a certified financial professional to make sure that you won’t be hit with a huge tax bill down the road because of the receipt of certain items.
2. Be a B.I.T.C.H. In the Best Way Possible
Fiona Fine is a speaker, an author, and the Editor-In-Chief of an online magazine called: Women Who Run It: Your Life – Your Love – Your Terms! In today’s episode of The Family Law Insider, Fiona talks to us about getting in control of our lives, about dating, and about divorce. Going through these things enabled Fiona to transform from being a bitch (lowercase letters – disempowering meaning) to B.I.T.C.H. (uppercase letters – empowering meaning).
After two marriages and many health-depleting years, Fiona decided to delve into dating again. Wondering how she could find Prince Charming, a male friend suggested she date like a man does. “A man doesn’t date with an end-goal of having a relationship, quite often. A man dates for the exploration, the enjoyment, the fun, and the experience.” Fiona got motivated to become healthier, and she had a blast for years. Part of what allowed her to do this was self-actualizing the idea of not looking for “the one,” but looking for “love for the right reasons.”
One of the pieces of being a B.I.T.C.H. is getting an understanding about how we are handling the 3 major areas in life (AKA The 3-Legged Stool): Work (career), Health (vitality), and Personal Relationships (love). Fiona believes that strong, successful women quite often have one of the pieces under control. There’s usually at least one tiny leg of the stool that is really causing them to be precarious. Gain some awareness about where you “sit” regarding the 3-Legged Stool.
Confidence Is The First Step.
Confidence boils down to a couple of pieces. The practice of having confidence is like a muscle; you have to exercise it over and over again. There is a valuable lesson in self-discipline in doing that if you give yourself the permission to screw it up and try to laugh.
Women ask, “If it’s not working out, how do I learn to laugh about it?” Fiona says you have to practice. (For example – With dating …find 3 things about the person that did work on the first date, as opposed to 10 things that didn’t work.)
Women quite often don’t give themselves permission to live on that edge. Fiona thinks that women haven’t given themselves permission to really be themselves, for themselves. Women get very busy looking out at the world and either blaming the world, wagging fingers, or taking care of everybody else.
Self-actualizing requires huge amounts of self-awareness. Pay attention to your radar and don’t be so goal-oriented. When it comes to dating – many women tend to stop dating a man when they figure out, he isn’t “the one,” despite having fun with that person. Fiona believes that having fun tops being cranky and alone. It’s reframing to say, “How do I give myself the permission whom I have to hang around with?”
A woman’s orgasm starts in her mind. You need to know in your own life, in your own world, what gives you pleasure. Sexual or non-sexual pleasure, you have to give yourself permission to have it. You’re not going to be an amazing anything, to anyone, if you’re cranky. Fiona finds that women tend to self-sabotage themselves.
If women are always on their alpha game, they’re making it really hard for their men to cherish and adore them. Fiona believes that everything works better if a woman is warmer and fuzzier; the people around her want to help her more and support her more.
Part of establishing healthy boundaries is self-awareness (in many respects), and open and honest communication. Fiona talks about Triple A Support, which defines what keeps a man happy: Approve of him, Acknowledge him, and Appreciate him. One way of doing that is clear and open communication that is not “blamey.”
How do we know what really is picky (versus discriminating) in our lives? It’s about constantly tapping in and tuning into what’s going on, and saying, “I have a choice. I could be right, or I could be happy.”
Fiona has observed through her relationship coaching that there are a several words and phrases that might really change how people interact in relationships. Note that the 4 worst words that a women could tell a man is, “We have to talk.” Also, if anybody hears, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…BUT… their brain shuts down. The word, “No,” is very critical, yet a better way to phrase it is to say, “no… and,” or “yes… yet.”
Women are the picture, and men are the frame. Neither works well without the other. If things aren’t working well, Fiona suggests to dig below the surface of the emotion. If it’s a negative emotion, ask yourself, “How do I reframe this? How do I get some lightness? How do I find the magic chuckle?”
Find the magic chuckle so you’ll have a little bit of lightness during your day. Then, when you go home, you won’t be bringing all the negativity home with you. Fiona finds that men are very simple creatures to keep happy; bringing such negativity home makes men struggle to love powerful women. Look into it and ask yourself, “How do I simplify my life? How do I make choices? How do I give permission that that’s just who I am?”
Sleep and Meditation
Sleep (or even just a nap) can help bring the stress level down (and keep Fiona from being a crazy little witch). Having less sleep makes women lose their desire for pleasure. Fiona tells women to surrender, to lose it, and find joy. A woman may not want sex right then and there, but she could find desire for non-sexual or sexual pleasure.
Meditation is also huge for Fiona. It’s one of the few things that she thinks is safe, even if it’s not “proper” meditation. Meditation could just be spending the time listening to music, as opposed to listening to the news.
“The world is going to do whatever the hell it wants to do…” she says, “… and you can’t do anything about it.” You can only love yourself, your loved ones, and push it out from there.
Fiona can be found on twitter @fiona_fine and you can check out her book: B.I.T.C.H. Babe In Total Control of Herself: How To Stop Chasing Men And Start Choosing LOVE, here.
3. Thoughts From the Life Coach
In today’s thoughts, James talks about which information we choose to believe.